October breathes new life into me. Something about fall has always settled into me well. It reminds me of the feeling of putting on a coat that someone has been sitting on, feeling their pervasive body heat enter your cold and tired bones. Merely breathing in the cool air surrounding us now gives me hope for the future. This is a time for change, change means death. Death, the transition from one state of being to another.

I find myself in flux, my position in the world in question. I feel like I'm rising finally, like I'm making it, getting better. Unfortunately I'm also rising above my marital difficulties. I can only go so long having my heart shattered and squashed before I finally find my way back to the path of solitude. I'll always have my sons visions, dreams, and hopes to guide me. In the end, you have to do what your heart feels. My heart feels heavy, and yet loneliness doesn't scare me like it used to.

I haven't had sex in over a month and a half now. It's a record that hasn't been broken since I was 14 and first discovered that girls can be as much fun as boys. At first the frustration was slowly eating me. I felt like my flame was going out, like I couldn't survive. Sex was like oxygen. When you have no oxygen, you learn to breathe other more subtle substances. Art, seasons, growth and life. Death even.

This is the season when the veils between worlds part, when our dearly departed are close at hand. This is time for reflection, a time to ask for guidance, a time to forgive, to hold a cherished memory at arms length and then bury it sweetly once more. Small acts of contrition for our sins throughout the year will pay off in dividends when the solstice falls and we are once again born anew into the world for another glorious year of pain and frustration.

It's a hard time of year for me. I want to put forth the spirit that my mother used to. Halloween was a favorite holiday in our house when I was growing up. There were scary movie marathons, costume picking, pumpkin carving, treat making. Now, I sit here watching the sunshine pour through my windows and thinking to myself that it's still not cold enough to warrant pants even. I have no fears of trick-or-treating in the rain, it's never a bad night here. The energies are different though. The old feelings of mystery and wonder, fear and uncertainty, they dissappear through a fog of reality.

I need a good monster hunt. A seance. A trip to an old and crumbling asylum. I need a little magic. Any takers?

*Oh, and don't forget to show your support for healthy breasts this month. I can't find a reason not to